Thank you for all the men in my life that helped me to be me.

The other day a friend posted an article on Facebook “A Thank You Letter to the Men Who Didn’t Have the Balls to Claim Me.” To be clear it was a decent, nice guy, that posted it, not, as would normally be suspected, a woman. Usually I can read an article like this and dismiss it. This one bothered me, and, I wasn’t sure why until I read it a few more times. It is a well written / powerfully worded article. One I should be embracing, and yet, I wasn’t. While, on one level, I understand that this was meant to be inspirational, and, no doubt a self-healing article for the writer, I couldn’t help but feel something wasn’t quite right. So I thought about it, and, I realized that in all of it, I felt as though she’d missed a very important point.

Not once in her article does she put herself as a real part of the equation to why things with some men didn’t work. (Or she did in some strange way and I missed it.)

Not once in her inspirational self-healing note does she even acknowledge that maybe the problem was in part, of even maybe at times completely – her.

She goes on to thank the men in her life for ‘this and that’, but, it feels more to me like a polite “Fuck you” to the men she feels wronged her, or, never met her expectations of them. The author makes statements like “and while I know in your own way you did love me, it wasn’t the kind that could keep me warm on a blustery winter’s eve”, my response to that is – don’t we all love the best way we can?

It feels wrong to dismiss her article, and her feelings, as I do understand the heart of it, and, I certainly don’t what to diminish, what was/is empowering and healing to her and to others, but, I can’t help but feel the way I do. That somehow she missed the point of it all.

Lately I’ve seen a lot of articles written by woman, for woman, meant to be just like this one,  inspirational “woman power”, that in many ways demeans men in a passive aggressive manor. I’ve seen some posts on Facebook bashing old relationships, and making negative statements towards the male population in general – like how horrible they are in relationships. Ladies, maybe I’ve been lucky in my choices, I’ve only had a few bad seeds that I can honestly say that about. (Mark H. anyone?  Even he was still my choice – even a really bad one.) As an average rule though did anyone ever stop to think that the men are only half of this equation?

That’s the heart of what bothered me in her article. She was only half a person in these relationships – and she didn’t know it. Even in reading her article I find myself wondering if she really gets it now. I wonder how many women reading her article will get it.

She isn’t wrong, all the so called “failed” relationships we have in life are designed to do exactly what they did – teach. They obviously were able to teach her as well, the article displays that -and I tip my hat to her for acknowledging it. It was brave.  That’s no small thing. 

Bottom line, if you have a hole in you, nothing will fill it. Not any relationship. You needed to be a whole person. That’s possibly a big reason to why all your previous relationships probably didn’t work.

For other woman out there writing similar articles – please stop and think. Be inspirational – be positive – help woman to grow past pain and bad choices, but don’t make the men in our lives responsible for all of our failings, poor choices, and pain. I’m not saying there aren’t some true assholes in the world, true maliciousness, and other negative things, but in truth, men are only equal in number to that of assholes that are woman too. Please stop making one gender responsible for everything bad in relationships.

For the woman, and men out there, attracted to various types of bad relationships – whatever the reason – take some time and get to know you. Work on healing yourself from whatever has happened that has you in the cycle you are in – and break free. As your friend – I love you – and I will be there every step of the way to hold you through it in any way I can – and any way you let me. You are beautiful, you are loved, and you are worthwhile.

So, here is my thank you to all the men in my life, my old flames, my male friends, my brother, and extended brothers, even some old boyfriends that are on my Facebook page. Thank you for being you.

Thank you for tolerating my sometimes nonsensical, irrational, insane behavior.

Thank you for putting up with my insecurities, my PMS, my ferociously wild nature, my bullshit, and for trying to love me – at times – in spite of me. (At times I certainly didn’t make it easy.)

Thank you for allowing me to love, and try, to love you – the best way I could, and, never making me feel like I was less for it.

Thank you for sharing yourself with me. For spending time with me, talking with me, holding me while I cried. For trying to fix things when they went wrong. For giving me space when I needed it. For trying to understand me – when I didn’t understand myself. For lifting me through the darkness when I couldn’t find the light switch two feet from me. For telling me I was beautiful when I never saw it, or felt it. For seeing the strong, tough girl that could take care of herself, (and for teaching her how to) but recognizing the delicate frail girl inside too. For seeing past my walls – and seeing me … and for taking the time to do it.

Thank you for accepting me.

Thank you for being a part of my life, and my history. I’m grateful for all the experiences you chose to gift to me, and be a part of, with me. I could never have had a better set of men in my life.

Thank you for choosing me. I’ve been very blessed to have all of you. You were exactly what I needed in my life, and I thank you deeply for it. 

Thank you for so much more than I can ever list.

Mostly, thank you for helping me to discover me.  I became a whole person as a result. I could never have done that without all of you. If I ever decide to settle down and to date someone seriously again, if I find the right person for me, I will be able to fight through all my fears – and embrace it fully – and it will be in a large part a credit to you all for helping make me whole. (They’ll still get someone slight twisted and messed up in her own way – but hey – that’s me.)

(For my female friends – you take credit for some of this too – just in a different way. I’m blessed for you all too!)

/end rant

I leave you with all “the poets” Music:

Illusion and Dream – Poets of the Fall

Heal my Wounds – Poets of the fall